PublishedApr 14th, 2026•7 min read
What to Do When Your Partner Refuses Couples Therapy
Author
Katie Moran
LCSW
If your partner doesn’t agree to attend couples therapy, it’s normal to feel stuck, hurt, or unsure of what to do next. While you can’t force someone into therapy, there are meaningful steps you can take to protect your mental health and support a healthier relationship dynamic.
Why Partners Refuse Couples Therapy
Understanding why your partner is reluctant to attend couples therapy can support more effective communication and help you determine the most appropriate next step. Sometimes, people assume that their partner doesn’t want to attend couples therapy because they’re not invested in the relationship. But, oftentimes, it’s due to their partner’s own fears, beliefs, or past experiences with therapy.
Some of the most common reasons partners refuse couples therapy include:
- Fear of blame: Many worry they’ll be judged or misunderstood in couples therapy. Some people fear that they will be put “on trial” or “ganged up on”
- Stigma or misbelief: Some people believe that couples therapy is just for failing or “broken” relationships. They might also think that attending couples therapy is “admitting to failure"
- Minimizing: Some people can have a harder time seeing potential issues in relationships, thinking, “Things aren’t that bad” or “We’ll handle it ourselves.” They may also not understand that couples therapy can be a preventative tool.
- Avoidance: Effective therapy requires openness and emotional vulnerability. Many people find this uncomfortable and avoid attending therapy as a result.
- Previous negative therapy experience: People who haven’t had a good therapy experience previously, such as not finding a good fit with their therapist or not making progress, can be more reluctant to trying therapy again
- Practical concerns: Some people worry about the cost of couples therapy, time, and scheduling.
- Misunderstandings: Some people don’t understand how couples therapy works or feel skeptical about its effectiveness
How to Reopen the Conversation After a Refusal
After a refusal, it’s important to reopen the conversation mindfully to ensure open communication. This includes avoiding putting pressure on your partner, making ultimatums, or repeating what hasn’t worked before.
For many couples, this process is really about how to start couples therapy in a way that feels safe, collaborative, and respectful – especially when one partner is reluctant. Check out our couples therapy conversation starters and the steps below to prepare you for the conversation.
In short, the steps that can help reopen the conversation include:
- Waiting for the right moment
- Naming what you want, not what’s wrong with them
- Speaking to their concerns
- Lowering the bar to get started
1. Wait for the right moment
- Pick a calm, low-pressure time to reopen the conversation. It’s best not to have this conversation during a conflict, when one partner is stressed or distracted, or just before bed. A quiet, neutral location, such as during a walk or at a coffee shop, can be ideal.
- Regulate yourself before starting the conversation so you can stay calm. You can do this by taking a few deep breaths or practicing grounding exercises.
- Go over your goals for the conversation. This keeps you focused on the purpose of your conversations and minimizes the likelihood of emotional reactions like defensiveness or accusations.
2. Name what you want, not what’s wrong with them
- Use “I” statements to communicate your feelings and needs, such as “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately and I think therapy could help us” so that your partner is less likely to feel attacked.
- Frame around shared goals, such as “I want us to feel more connected” rather than accusations, such as “You never listen”. Other possible shared benefits include less stress, better communication, and a stronger emotional bond.
- Focus on therapy being a tool to help you both grow and work together toward these shared goals.
3. Speak to their concerns
- Ask open-ended questions to learn more about their concerns, such as “What makes you hesitant about attending therapy?”
- Acknowledge their concerns and meet the stated objection directly. For example, if they are concerned about being blamed, clarify the therapist’s role. If they are worried about the cost, share what insurance covers.
4. Lower the bar to get started
- Suggest one session rather than committing to multiple therapy sessions, framed as information gathering.
- Mention online and virtual therapy options to reduce friction around scheduling or discomfort with sitting in a therapist’s office.
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What to Do if Your Partner Still Refuses
If your partner still won’t go to therapy, your next steps are to focus on yourself and what you can control, deciding on your own boundaries and needs.
This includes:
- Starting individual therapy: Attending individual therapy before couples therapy can help you find support while clarifying your own needs and boundaries. While you can’t change your partner’s behavior, therapy can help you change yours, which can shift the relationship dynamic. Sometimes, when one partner attends therapy, the other partner becomes curious and more open to the idea of therapy
- Revisiting the conversation later: Couples therapy takes time and commitment, and your partner might be at a place where they’re unable to commit. Give it some time and come back to the conversation later. You could use a specific trigger like, “After the holidays” or “When my partner finishes their big project at work.”
- Proposing a trial period: If your partner isn’t sure if couples therapy is needed, suggest a trial period to see what changes you can make on your own. Agree on concrete, observable goals for a defined period, such as conducting an emotional check-in once a week. If progress stalls, revisit the therapy conversation.
- Exploring other options: You might try less formal choices like relationship workshops, coaching, online courses, and books. Some partners may also feel more comfortable attending individual therapy before couples therapy
- Setting boundaries: Set your own boundaries by naming what you need and what action you will take if nothing changes. This is different from an ultimatum or threat, which pressures your partner and can lead to defensiveness.
When Refusal is a Bigger Concern
If your partner’s refusal comes with dismissing your feelings, controlling behavior, threats, or punishing you for asking — that goes beyond reluctance. Prioritize your safety. Reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) or a trusted individual therapist for guidance.
Can Couples Therapy Work if One Partner Is Skeptical?
Skepticism is different from refusal, and therapists can work with those who might be unsure about trying therapy. In fact, a study in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology found that a couple’s first-session alliance did not predict outcomes, instead, alliance by the third session was significantly predictive1. That suggests early change matters. It’s not just where a couple starts, but whether the sense of trust, understanding, and partnership begins to grow in the first few sessions.
Ways that therapists work if one partner is skeptical include:
- Addressing the skepticism: Skepticism often comes from misunderstanding how couples therapy works and fearing that they’ll be blamed or judged. A good therapist will address these worries and explain what sessions will look like
- Building trust: Therapists are trained to work with both partners, not take sides. They’ll build trust with both partners by helping them feel understood, heard, and supported
- Taking small steps: Early sessions often focus on goals, ground rules, and safety before moving into deeper emotional work. This can help skeptical partners understand what to expect in therapy sessions and begin to feel that therapy is a safe space
How Octave Supports Couples Therapy
When one partner is hesitant, the quality of the therapist – and the fit – matters more, not less. Octave is built around both.
- Couples-specialized therapists, fully licensed. All Octave therapists are fully licensed with an average of 10+ years of experience. Couples are matched with providers who have documented training in relationship-specific approaches, including EFT and Gottman – not generalists.
- Strong alliance from the start. 89% of Octave clients report a strong therapeutic alliance, and 9 in 10 say their first session was a good experience or better. For a skeptical partner, that first session is everything.
- More likely to stick with it. Clients are 40% more likely to continue therapy at Octave than at other practices, which is meaningful when you're trying to get a reluctant partner to stay long enough for therapy to work.
- Accessible and insurance-supported. Most major insurance plans accepted; the average out-of-pocket cost is $32/session. Appointments are typically available within days, with virtual options that reduce scheduling friction for a partner who's on the fence.
Frequently Asked Questions about Couples Therapy
It’s common for one partner to resist attending couples therapy. Start by understanding their concern, and then try a low-pressure re-approach, such as attending one session. If refusal continues, individual therapy can help you find clarity on your own needs and next steps.
Ultimatums can backfire and create resentment. Instead, set clear boundaries by naming what you need and what you’ll do if things don’t change. This is different from a threat, which is an attempt to control someone else’s behavior. Remember that you can’t simply force someone to attend therapy; they must be genuinely committed to the process.
Yes. Individual therapy can help you understand relationship patterns, build communication skills, and decide what you want – even if your partner isn’t ready.
Many couples find virtual sessions effective and more accessible. It can also lower the barrier for a partner who’s uncomfortable with the idea of sitting in a therapist’s office.
It’s very normal for a partner to refuse therapy. Refusal doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t care – it often comes from fear, stigma, and misunderstanding about what therapy involves.
Sources:
1Anker, M. G., Owen, J., Duncan, B. L., & Sparks, J. A. (2010). The alliance in couple therapy: Partner influence, early change, and alliance patterns in a naturalistic sample. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 78(5), 635–645. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0020051
About the Author
Katie Moran
LCSW
I'm a Licensed Clinical Social Worker based in New York with over 13 years of experience supporting individuals and couples through therapy. I help my clients discover new ways to tackle their trauma with Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). I also provide couples counseling, helping partners enhance their communication and connection.
